The Early Crusades of the Jaffa Messiah Chapter V

Small Publishing Presents

The Early Crusades of the Jaffa Messiah
CHAPTER V: Not in Your Wiseau-ist Dreams!

(In Which Tommy forcibly creates three Zombie Fanboys, Frank learns the art of cosplaying hilarious film makers within several seconds and a Donkey wearing a little hat may be our only hope.)



Tommy threw off his robe revealing his smart (casual) business suit he always wore. He then threw on his trademark sunshades. This is when Frank knew Tommy was taking this fight seriously, Tommy Wiseau seemed to only wear those sunshades when confronting the press. If Tommy was wearing these glasses outside of a press conference or a Q&A where he must face armies of people, then this must mean that Tommy wasn't holding back anymore. Frank now realizing he had been spotted by the man with the long hair and strange accent now ran in terror trying to take cover behind the nearest building that was still intact. It was at this point that Frank realized that he had left Del Totoro out wide in the open to be slaughtered.
"DEL TOTOR..." Frank poked his head around the corner of his cover and began to shout out in an effort to save his friend, however he realized much to his shock and surprise that Del Totoro was missing.

"You see now Franky, I'm stronger than when we last met, I have all new hell powers to fight you with." Tommy boasted as he let out his trademark yet unconvincingly acted chuckle.
Frank curled up as to avoid letting his location known. How could this have happened? Who could have opened The Room...and Why? he thought to himself.
"Oh, Franky! Come out, Come out wherever you are! You're just a Chicken! Chip-Cheep-Cheep-Cheep-Cheep! Tommy shouted taunting Frank by waving his hands around in a chicken-esque motion.
Suddenly Frank witnessed three of the corpses come back to life as Tommy embedded them with some sort of dark smoke that flew from his finger tips. They stood up sluggishly however as it was clear they were only pawns in whatever Wiseau's battle plan was. While Frank did find the thought and entire process of their resurrection incredibly cool and fascinating, a large part of his mind knew what the reality of this meant.

....As well as turning them into undead henchmen, Tommy Wiseau robbed the villagers of their judgement of acting ability. Frank looked into the closest one's eyes...and it was evident to him the dark truth that these poor souls now thought of Tommy Wiseau as a competent actor. Someone with competence greater than a Choi Min-Sik of 'Oldboy' fame or even of a Cillian Murphy caliber acting skill.
"I'm so sorry" Frank said in a remorseful tone as the three villagers looked at Frank.
"What the Hell is wrong with you! seriously man, how on earth can you think Mr. Wiseau is in any way a bad actor." One of the villagers snapped.
"Yeah man, his performance in 'The House That Drips Blood On Alex' was utterly phenomenal. Another villager concurred.
"Yeah, Fuck Leonardo DiCaprio! Mr. Wiseau is the real actor who needs an oscar!!"
Upon hearing these comments, Frank was reduced to a state of shock and horror, it was hard for him to believe that Tommy now possessed the ability to force corpses into such an unholy opinion.

In the forest a large dark figure stood as still as a statue, it was Del Totoro who was clearly under some sort of trance relaying video footage back to Santa Claws. The evil old man chuckled as he held a device labeled 'Mother Nature's hurt feeling levels'. The meter that made up a majority of the device was evidently dangerously high meaning that soon the first stage of Santa Claws's plan would have been completed. 

From here onwards, Frank knew he could no longer sit and hide. He had to put an end to these poor unfortunate villagers. In the speed of an adorable lightning bolt, Frank got up and threw his water bottle he pulled out from his backpack at the malevolent master Tommy Wiseau, momentarily stunning him. Frank then used this opportunity to perform some Kawaii-Fu on these deluded motherfuckers. The corpses's bodies were unable to contain the essence of Kawaii-Fu and disintegrated from the sheer adorableness of Frank's fighting style.

"What the Junk is up with that, Tommy? I knew you were low, but I didn't know you were THAT low." Frank told Tommy.
"That's Bullshit. You're lying! I did not do anything to their opinions....I did nawt!" Tommy responded.
It was then that Frank was struck with a winning idea of how to beat the whiny Wiseau. He gathered all of his cuteness focusing it and then in an instant, Frank was engulfed by a bright light and sent a shockwave out stopping Tommy from getting any closer. The light then faded and a new warrior emerged from where Frank had been standing.

...Franky Wiseau was born. Our adorable hero's clothes were now morphed into clothes similar to Tommy Wiseau's ....just a whole lot cuter. Frank's hair also changed, becoming reminiscent of Tommy Wiseau's.
"I can only stay in this form for 5 minutes, but that's more than enough time to stop you from polluting anyone else's better acting judgement" the strange new warrior proclaimed.
Tommy Wiseau with a look of festering rage and of slight confusion at an apparent mockery of his Tommy-Talent, then screamed directly in Franky's direction as the ground beneath him cracked and the dark smoke from earlier began to rise from Tommy's cuff links.
"YOU'RE TEARING ME APART FRANKY!!!"
Tommy then charged at his cuter counterpart in a storm of anger, getting close enough for Franky to begin to punch him in self defense, however Tommy is instead tackled by a blur of a big green skinned woman.

The Ogress shouts a battle cry as she swiftly takes an axe from a fellow Ogre following her from behind and chops off Tommy's head as the black smoke rushes out from his body enveloping the nearby land before fading and becoming part of the air.
"......I'm Fed up with this world!" Tommy's decapitated head says before the life fades from it.
Franky now confused at this surprise attack, tries to find the right words to communicate to this green girl however before he can say anything, the ground began to shake and fissures began to open up around the village. 

In the Icy Fortress, Santa Claws jumped around his monitor room and and started break-dancing.
"Awww Yeah, So what if they killed that loony faster than I was expecting! it looks like it was enough to start the reaction, anyway! now the Jigsaw Continent will be created once more! MUHAAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!" The jolly evil dude cackled.

Franky, no longer was able to concentrate on keeping his new superform with the earth shaking as much as it was and soon he powered back to down to his regular Kawaii self when suddenly out of the shadows a Donkey appeared wearing a fashionable hat and the face of a girl.
"Everyone, Follow me if you want to live!" The Donkey shouted.

To Be Continued!....In Chapter VI!