The Early Crusades of the Jaffa Messiah Chapter VI

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The Early Crusades of the Jaffa Messiah
CHAPTER VI: Kah-Waii and the Mad Souffle Donkey

(In which Khwai's country of origin is called into question, everybody loves the movie 'My Neighbour Totoro' and we learn to never underestimate an Equus africanus asinus's love for welsh pop stars.


“Quick! Everyone, over here!” the Donkey yelled in a voice reminiscent of Eddie Murphy as she nudged her head in the direction of several caves and mountains.
“Well, Jeez! That’s very helpful, isn’t it? YOU COULD MEAN ANY ONE OF THOSE CAVES!!” the powerful Ogress replied angrily to the little lady-faced donkey in a thick Scottish accent.
“Wait, you’re Scottish?” the Donkey was compelled to question the mighty green warrior with a look of confusion.
“No. Obviously I’m from Botswana!” The Ogress replied with a serious face as everyone around her looked at each other equally confused as to if she was telling the truth or just using deadpan humour.
“We better follow that Donkey loser or else we might not get out of here alive.” Frank stated seeing the amount of devastation the landslides had caused to the forest around the village, and fearing for the life of his comrade Del Totoro.
“Wait! Before we go, have either of you seen Totoro anywhere?” Frank asked.
“Totoro?...well ummm…how shall I put this?” the Donkey thought of the right words to express her clearly helpful upcoming statement.
“…I LOVE THAT FILM!” the Donkey answered as Frank fell down in disappointment from his own self-induced hype to what her answer could’ve been.

Suddenly huge boulders fell down from every side of the Ogre army. The Donkey ran off inside one of the caves leaping like a gazelle as Frank and the Ogres followed her. However after a while, the entrance to the cave came crumbling down, brutally crushing a majority of the ogre army to death under the debris. The warriors were now without light and stuck inside of a cave.
“Why did you bring us here of all places Donkey!?” one of the great green giants growled at the horse.
“It’s no problem. I got it.” The leader of Ogres proclaimed as the crowd turned attention to her letting down her long, multi-coloured hair which glowed with the luminescent variety of a rainbow.

“So guys, who are y’all? My name’s Sophie.” asked the Donkey.
“I’m Khwai, warrior princess of the Auton-Patrick clan, and these are my loyal servants. A friend of mine lived in that village. When I heard she was slaughtered by some no-name movie star, we took up arms to investigate. Now do I either of you know what’s going on?” The Ogre leader inquired.
“Well, I’m Frank and I was about to-“ Before Frank could finish his sentence he was cut off by the loud voice of Sophie.
“HAHAHAHAHA!!! That’s funny, Ms. Multicolour hair! ‘Bridge on the River Kwhai’!! I love that movie!!” Sophie announced loudly.
“Yeah? Well Khwai is a way better name than Souffle. What kind of a name is that!?” Khwai yelled back at Sophie.
“Uuh…guys the name is Sophie.” the fashionable donkey replied almost immediately.
“Yeah Souffle! And next time don’t butt in while someone’s trying to speak!” Frank told Sophie.
“But you guys…My name is….Never mind. I’ll be in my room, NO ONE IS ALLOWED IN.” Sophie whimpered before accepting her new name and then walking into the darker regions of the cave where her room presumably resided.

“It’s nice to meet you Khwai.” said Frank to the warrior princess.
“It’s nice to meet you too, Frank.” Khwai replied to our kawaii hero, she then kneeled down on one foot so that her humongous size could reach Frank’s height and whispered into his ear.
“Look kid, I don’t know whether you heard about it, but if that Souffle is the same Souffle I’ve heard about then we got to get out of here. Rumour has it she wiped out an entire civilisation in Australia because they said something bad about a certain someone.”
Frank looked puzzled. “Wait! What do you mean a certain someone? Who are you talking about? And how could one single donkey commit genocide? What did she have like a laser gun or something?”
Khwai pulled out a scroll from the backpack of one of her disciples which showed a diagram featuring several different items one of which bore a striking resemblance to a certain hat that Souffle wore. “No one has lived to tell about who it is whose badmouthing she got pissed off at. But I believe she was able to do it with one of these. The Hat of the Ancients! My people created it but we thought these relics were lost centuries ago.”
“Wow! One hat did all that!?” Frank looked in amazement. “Kinda makes me shiver knowing that something as simple as a hat could allow someone that kind of power.” Frank shuddered and realized he was not wearing his kitty hooded jacket anymore, reached into his bag and found his lucky hood was missing.
“It must be Souffle! She also took my trophy necklace! That bastard! She must have stolen them from us when we weren’t looking!” an enraged Khwai bellowed.

The Ogre army turned to each other in a huddle muttering to themselves about which of Khwai or Frank should dare tread upon the forbidden domain of the Souffle Donkey until finally unanimously agreeing all at once. “KWHAI WILL!”
However Khwai turned to her troops and spoke her answer. “No men! I am much too big! She would be able to spot me easily!”
“Sure, I’ll go get them back, and that hat!” Frank stated as Khwai handed over to him a lock of her glowing hair to light the way to Souffle’s forbidden room.

Frank set off down the cave pathways and after about 5 minutes finally reached her room. As he gazed around the corner he noticed her asleep on a couch on the right side of the room with her hat on while Khwai’s trophies and Frank’s iconic kitty hooded jacket lye on the table to the left atop a CD case. Frank tip-toed over to the table and was able to pick up the stolen items and placed them in his bag without waking the slumbering donkey.
Frank looked up to walls and took in the rest of his surroundings, feeling slightly more comfortable now that he was almost home free. He noticed Souffle’s room was covered in a variety of posters most of them featuring Robert Downey Jr. or of the 2012 film ‘The Avengers’. However none of the images were more prominent than of the thousands of posters both big and small of the superstar: Tom Jones. Frank then realized the CD was Jones’ arguably most famous song – ‘It’s Not Unusual’.

“I definitely don’t get the Tom Jones thing; I mean he isn’t that great.” Frank whispered to himself under his own breath.

Meanwhile a few steps behind him, Souffle awoke instantaneously as Frank shut his mouth and vanished from the couch. Frank turned around ready to see if he could snatch her hat to find Souffle sitting wide awake right up in his personal space with wide violent ferocious eyes glaring right at his innocent face.

“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT TOM JONES!!!!!!??????” Souffle erupted ready to demolish Frank’s face as she began to breathe fire uncontrollably and as lasers blasted from her eyes.

...To be Continued next time in Chapter VII!!!!!